a little light bedtime reading

I am feeling so nervous at the moment that I am really starting to doubt myself. I want to wake up in the morning feeling fresh, pain-free, positive and excited about Sunday, but instead am waking up with butterflies, a slight sense of doom, and backache. I am determind that when I get up tomorrow morning and set off for the airport I am going to be feeling calm, relaxed and confident. I think I sometimes need to remind myself how far I've come in a relatively short space of time, because no matter what I do, I don't seem to be able to stop comparing myself to others and worrying about how slow I am. It doesn't help that certain people joke about it all the time either. I know they're only being affectionate and they mean absolutely nothing malicious, and they only do it because I do it too. But I think it sometimes only serves to reinforce a particular image I have of myself which I don't think is particularly helpful at the moment as I try to develop a more positive outlook. So last night I read through some parts of the journal I kept when I was travelling in 2004/2005, to try and find the entry about running for the first time in Cairns.

"Tropical storm today. Not much to do on the Great Barrier Reef in the rain, except shopping or going to the gym. Opted for the latter. I bought a temporary two week membership as I'll be here for a while. Thought I'd try out the treadmill as all the other machines were busy, and I normally avoid the treadmill like the plague. I walked on it for a bit and then started to run. Oh God. I lasted four minutes. I was going to blame this on the fact that I only have my hiking trainers and they're really heavy. But really it's because it was bloody hard. I can't believe how hard it was. I can't believe I can go on a cross-trainer or a bike for half an hour and not feel too bad, but not be able to run for more than four minutes. I never realised how much more of an effort running is compared to other exercise. Four minutes. That is shameful."

By the end of that two week membership I had bought my first ever pair of Asics running shoes and had run 26 minutes. Then I carried on travelling and didn't have the chance to run again until I came back to the UK. Back at my normal gym, I had to start from scratch again. I think I managed seven minutes when I first went back. It was around about this time that the thought of entering a marathon first entered my mind. I had spent two and half years planning and saving for my round the world trip, and another year living a fantasy life. I'd made myself do scary things like hike up a crevass-ridden glacier, hang-glide, and jump out of a plane at 12,000 feet, and I forced myself to scuba dive in an attempt to conquer my long-held fear of being underwater. When I got home and started living the nine-to-five lifestyle again, I felt this overwhelming sense of emptiness. Something was missing. I couldn't put my finger on what it was for a long time but I realised that I missed the rush of having something to challenge me. Work was hideous, and completely unfulfilling, and I missed waking up every morning knowing that I was going to do something amazing that day. I kept thinking about running a marathon, mainly because the idea seemed so preposterous (I couldn't even run half a mile when I first had this brainwave) and also because I knew it would be the absolute last thing that anyone would expect me to do. The last time I had participated in any kind of organised sporting activity was a junior school netball tournament aged 11.

The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to do it. But every time I ran, after about ten minutes, puffing and bright red, I'd think 'Who the hell am I kidding? Am I totally insane?' Then around October time, I saw an advert for the Edinburgh Marathon and I entered on a whim. I suppose I thought, if not now, then when? I knew I wouldn't find out whether or not I had a place for another two months so I just forgot about it. Then in December I got my place. When I got the email, I made my final decision. I would do it. I knew it meant giving up six months of my life to living, eating and sleeping running, but a long-term challenge was what I was after because I knew it would make achievement of the goal even sweeter.

So here I am today, 3 days to go. In the last six months I have run a 'long run' almost every single weekend: - 6,7, 9, 10, 12, 13, 15, 16, 18 and 20 miles. Not to mention the evening runs three times a week in the bitter cold and pouring rain after long commutes to London and back. Just six or seven months ago I never would have believed I could do this. I feel fit as a fiddle (apart from all the aches and pains) for the first time since I was about 7 and could do one-handed cartwheels and walk on my hands. I may be as slow as a three-legged tortoise but I would confidently take on any of my friends at any kind of endurance activity. And I NEVER thought I would ever say that. I still don't feel like a 'runner', but maybe I will come Sunday.

There are so many unknowns about the race itself. I really don't know what to expect. How to warm up. What to do while I'm waiting around. Getting jostled. Being too slow for the people behind me. I should have entered something while I was training to get a feel for it. I think this was a big mistake but it's too late to do anything about it now. I soooo badly wanted to talk to Krzys about all this, and everything else I've been going through, but I decided that I wasn't going to tell him I was running a marathon until I'd done it. I was going to tell him in Austin but after that disastrous run I thought he'd think I was deranged and warn me off. So I decided that I really wanted to have the pleasure of being able to tell him afterwards - someone who would REALLY understand what it means. And I know that the thought of being able to phone him after the race and say 'I've just run a marathon' will spur me on to the finish. I'm desperate to be able to make that call. He's the only person who knows nothing about it.

Last night I ran 4.5 miles with Spock - I wore a warm t-shirt and a jacket zipped up to the neck in a vague attempt to acclimatise for the heat. It was pretty hot in there. Then I had a sports massage which was great although I'm very sore and tender today - I hope this is normal. I'm going to do two more miles tonight and then I'm done. Off to Edinburgh in the morning.

Am working from home today as they are servicing the fire alarms and had to let them into the flat. It is a glorious, warm sunny day and ordinarily it would be lovely, but my heart sank this morning as the sun streamed in the window when I woke up.

Having trouble sleeping at the moment - keep waking really early, 5ish, and am not able to fall back to sleep as have so many thoughts whizzing around my brain. I feel excited. I really do. But I also feel really anxious, doubtful of myself, and worried about my back. It's really sore again today. I think about the possibility of not being able to finish, I wonder if I'm completely kidding myself that I can do this thing. I think about all the training sessions I've missed through injury, all the weeks where I only managed two or three out of the four scheduled runs, the 12 mile run I missed ten days ago due to my back, the fact that I had to stop about a billion times during my 8 miler last weekend because of the heat. All these things. And I think about how embarrassing and humiliating it would be to come home on Monday having failed to complete the race, how guilty and ashamed I would feel about all the people who've sponsored me. I know I need to have a major shot-in-the-arm of positive thinking between now and Sunday, because I know it'll be my attitude on the day which will be the most important factor in whether I finish or not. Up until I injured my back, the thought of not finishing never even entered my mind. I need to get back to that way of thinking again sharpish. Am going out for a 4 miler with Spock later this afternoon. I'm thinking of wearing a long-sleeved top and my wind jacket in a last, desperate attempt to acclimatise.

Did 3 miles last night along the beach. There was a lovely sea breeze and a pink sunset. My legs really ached though, while I was running, although they felt fine as soon as I stopped. My calves feel totally tight and rigid. I have a sports massage tonight with Leanne and I really hope she can loosen them up. When I had one before my 20 mile run, I really noticed the difference. Had a doctor's appointment this morning, during which she took my blood pressure and said it was 'fabulous'. It was 102 over 76 but I have absolutely no idea what that means.

Then I went to Run and bought a Pearl Izumi running hat with a visor. It was £16!!! When it comes to buying stuff for running, I seem to have no control over my spending. But I also don't want to have the sun in my eyes the whole time, and I broke my sunglasses (my thirteenth pair in two years).

The BBC weather this morning said 79 degrees for Edinburgh at the weekend. Have checked various sites and the average seems to be around 75.

Mark says it always rains in Edinburgh, despite what the weather forecasts say. I bloody hope he's right. I feel absolutely terrified of running in the heat after Saturday's run. I could barely manage 8 miles.

I emailed the organisers this morning to plead with them to ensure they provide enough water. Apparently they have run out of water before, which is ridiculous as well as dangerous. Just got an automated response saying to direct all enquiries to the help desk when I go to pick up my race number on Friday. Great.

I really want to enjoy the day ... but I feel really nervous about this. I need to go outside and do a raindance.

The dreams have started. Last night I dreamt that I went to Japan with Krzys's mum and Axl Rose to watch a giant bubble-blowing competition. When we got there though, it was all a ploy - there were no bubbles, and I had to run the Tokyo marathon. It took me 13 hours because I got lost, but when I finally got to the end she had made me a cheesecake and a man with a long beard presented it to me. I have no idea what it means.



I'm actually feeling quite excited today, as well as nervous. I'm ultra sensitive to every single little twinge and ache at the moment, silently praying that they'll disappear as quickly as they arrive. My back still hurts, but not quite as bad. I still have some discomfort in my upper back too. It hurts if I lean back, or breathe in too deeply. Trying to just ignore it.

On Saturday I ran 8 miles, it was absolutely terrible. I felt exhausted. For the first time in my training (other than in Austin) it was hot. I'm completely unprepared for the heat. I had zero energy. My HR was really high. I had to keep stopping. I ran out of water after 4 miles. As I was running, I kept thinking - if it's like this next week, there's no way I'll cope. But I'll just have to. Please let it rain. On the plus side, the various injuries seemed to hold up ok.

Sat next to a bloke on the train this morning who serenaded me with a long, thick, moist sniff approximately once every three seconds. It was disgusting. Get a bloody tissue, you freak.

If I get a cold now.... his life won't be worth living (if I see him again).